If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
