Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
