I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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