Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
