Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
