I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
