WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
