My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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