I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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