She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
