hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
