I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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