Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
