I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
