You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Randomize
