she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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