i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
