This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
