Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
