I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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