When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think people are normalizing furries
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
