too bad you live with your parents still
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
