We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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