do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
