it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
