I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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