hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
