You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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