how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
