I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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