you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
