i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I queefed so loud it echoed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
