cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
