We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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