and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
