I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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