We're facebook friends in real life
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
