Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize