Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
