did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
