He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
