? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
