I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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