Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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