Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
