You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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