my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
