We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
