Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
