No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Randomize
