Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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