and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
