I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
