Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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