can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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