So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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