I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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