Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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