i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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