Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize