I think I died a long time ago.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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