Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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