We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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